When your partner learns she has breast cancer, you naturally want to help. But how?
Answering that question will depend on your partner, your relationship, and you.
To start with, understand that different people cope with cancer in different ways, says Greta E. Greer, MSW, LCSW, past director of survivor programs at the American Cancer Society.
Some may need or want extra help around the house. Others may choose to keep their daily routine as unaffected as possible.
Some want you there during cancer treatments and doctor visits. Others prefer to go alone or with a friend.
Some want to share worries and concerns with no one but you. Others want to join support groups, talk to friends, or go online for advice.
To learn how to best support your partner, you'll need to communicate with her and find out what she needs from you.
Breast cancer's unique challenges
It's important to understand that breast cancer can create some unique and personal challenges for a woman.
Breast cancer can strike directly at a woman's self-image, Greer says. This is especially true if a mastectomy or other treatment has changed the woman's appearance.
Breast cancer and its treatments can also lead to hair loss, skin changes, diminished physical sensations, and general feelings of sexual inadequacy.
However, you can help your partner cope with challenges like these.
Expect to lend a hand, a shoulder, or a sympathetic ear, but at the same time, don’t be overprotective.
Greer says ideal partners are those who:
- Are flexible and willing to take on additional tasks as needed.
- Let the person with breast cancer explain her own thoughts and feelings instead of presuming to know what she's going through.
- Don't clam up about their own emotions.
- Don’t blame the person with cancer for the disease.
Communication is key
Becoming that ideal partner requires effective communication.
"Communication is always key in any relationship, and it becomes even more important after a cancer diagnosis," Greer says. But it's not always easy, and even good communicators can get tripped up.
"Even the most loving and close couples have a tendency to start walking on eggshells, keeping certain thoughts and feelings to themselves," Greer says. "It's not out of maliciousness. It’s out of love." Each partner wants to protect the other from their own anger or fear.
Effective communication relies on good listening—and that involves not only hearing what’s said, but also accurately reading body language.
For example, your partner may say she's feeling fine, but the way she says it might suggest otherwise.
Good eye contact and touching or holding hands when talking can all help partners feel closer and know they’re being listened to.
Counseling can help
Sometimes, a counselor can help couples communicate. You and your partner might benefit from counseling if:
- You are repeatedly discussing the same issue without resolution.
- Either partner has trouble coping with what’s being said, perhaps changing the subject when the discussion turns serious.
- You end up arguing when your partner's reactions don't match your expectations.
Other helpers
While solid communication between you and your partner is crucial, understand that you may not be the only person she turns to. She may also seek comfort and advice from friends, other family members, or a clergy person.
Some women are particularly helped by others who have undergone the same experience, Greer says. Some opt to join local cancer support groups. Others find cancer survivors online.
Online resources include the American Cancer Society’s website, cancer.org, and the related Cancer Survivors Network site, csn.cancer.org. The Cancer Survivors site allows users to chat anonymously, a feature that can be especially helpful when the discussion concerns sexual or relationship issues.
Remember the little things
In general, Greer suggests that partners try to maintain a sense of humor, be patient with each other, and pay attention to the present.
"Sometimes the smallest little gesture—a flower, an extra hug or kiss, especially at the right time—can just make all the difference in the day, in the week, in the relationship," Greer says.
reviewed 9/19/2019